Mirrors

As I woke this morning, a thought made its way to the front of my brain. 

I never look in the mirror. 

Not really. There’s the 10 to 15 minutes of doing my hair and putting on my skincare for the day, flossing and brushing and final checks to make sure my skirt isn’t tucked into my underwear. Even when I pass a mirror during the day or I wash my hands at a sink adorned with one. I just don’t look. 

As a woman, aging is oftentimes a mindfuck. So much of our value is placed in our youth. In bodies meant for consumption. If we aren’t young, beautiful and thin we have nothing to offer the world. At least that’s what they’d have us believe. But with age we gain so many beautiful gifts. We know more and tolerate less. All the insignificant things that used to cause so much stress aren't important anymore. A clear understanding of the value and importance of time moves to the front.

About a year ago I quietly stopped wearing makeup. It wasn’t part of any big plan or statement. I put it on one day and realized I just preferred my face without it. I preferred my face without it. My skin has thanked me for this gift. If anyone has an opinion about it, they haven’t told me. It wouldn’t matter if they did. 

I definitely don’t look my age. Now, as I consciously examine myself in the bright sun pouring through the windows of my bathroom, I see the signs of a life lived. My eyelids are droopier, I have a couple of prominent age spots taking center stage on my right cheek. My jowls are drooping a little more and the biggest reminder that I can’t run from…my neck. Your neck will keep your ego in check as you age. 

And then there’s my body. I think of everything we’ve been through together. Everything I’ve put her through. The scars from a childhood lived boldly. The damage from teenage and early adulthood ED. The multitude of surgeries. From the upside down smile just above my belly button to the road map of scars that spread across my lower abdomen. Reminders that my body has saved me over and over again. I’ve always loved the line “scars are souvenirs you never lose” in the Goo Goo Dolls song Name. Mine are a collection that lets me know how strong my body really is. I should be honoring her more than I am. The mirror is the curio cabinet where this collection can be viewed. I should be visiting it more often. Expressing my gratitude.

I am rounder, saggier, grayer. I am proud of this body. I am proud of myself. I no longer exist for others. Existing for others is exhausting. I am well rested. 

I do promise to visit my reflection more often. To take my time. Taking her in and giving thanks to all she has and continues to provide. For staying strong through so much struggle. Holding and carrying me when I needed it most. 

I promise to care for her as best I can until it’s her turn to rest.